In the past week I have looked into the mirror and saw in the reflection my own mortality.
I wish that I could write something to help me make sense of the senseless nature of life and death.
I’m sitting across the table from death. Once again he and I are staring into each others eyes over cups of coffee. Decaf for him he had a good nights sleep.
He brought up my own mortality this time and that was where the conversation ended and now we are at an impasse. It is in my measured breathing where the conversation is taking place. He watches looking for any sign of weakness. He’s seen me break before and he knows that I’m one memory away.
I look around and I don’t think that anyone else sees him here with me. He’s my invisible date and he likes it that way.
His appearance at my mother’s bedside was a blessing that I had prayed for. He took too long that time and the suffering seemed endless. Last night he showed up where he wasn’t invited.
He mocks me with his smile.
“Some say that I have impeccable timing and yet you are never happy,” he challenges me.
I lift the mug off the table and peer over it. Still silent.
His phone rings and he stands up pushing his chair back in one fluid motion as if he never even touched the floor. He has somewhere else to go. Some other family’s heart to break.
Death bends over and gently moves the strand of hair that has fallen across my forehead. His lips are cold against my skin. He sighs and I feel the chill of his breath on the nape of my neck.
“Some day, sweetheart, you’ll realize that it’s too late to miss someone after they are gone and you have to start loving them while they’re here”
—————-
Now playing: Kate Rusby - Who Will Sing Me Lullablies
via FoxyTunes
I’ve been in a self imposed blog hibernation. Last week I made up my mind that I was going to write something here and I just couldn’t seem to find the words or the topic that made me happy enough to write . So today as I rest in bed recovering from a migraine (I’m fine as long as I don’t sit up or move) I’ll write a list of article titles I would have written about over the past month if I hadn’t been buried under stress, cold and snow.
10. It Can’t Get Any Colder…. Oh Wait it Just Did!
9. Work Sucks! Is Borders Hiring?
8. Adventures in Applying for a Passport
7. Fun With Food Allergies
6. I’m Addicted to Scrabbulous
5. The Other Boleyn Girl: A Book I Can’t Put Down
4. My First Dozen Roses Ever!
3. A Night Out with My New Family
2. The Haircut!
1. I Love my New BlackBerry!
Any guy can love a dog. A dog is like that young and immature girlfriend. The one who drools all over you and looks up with her puppy dog eyes, doing everything in her power to please you.
It takes a man of passion, intelligence and patience to love a cat. A cat is like the self assured woman. She reclines on the sofa waiting with eyes closed for you to come and stroke her. She purrs when you do something right but doesn’t beg for your attention. The cat and the woman have a secret. They know that they deserve the world but that the world can’t be given to them. They need to catch it and play with it and then curl up in the sun and dream of all the possibilities that the world has for them when they wake up .
The cat and the woman let the man come to them.
I find myself attracted to cat lovers even though I’m well aware that there is still a lot of puppy in me. The goal is to someday be all cat.
—————-
Now playing: Luciano Pavarotti - Turandot: Nessum dorma!
via FoxyTunes
In my previous post I whined about the bitterly cold temperatures that have landed on this state.
I woke up in a warm house and went out to my van that was parked in a semi heated garage. I drove my warm van and went to my warm office. The cold was just a punctuation mark in the day, not the whole story.
What about those who don’t have a warm home to hibernate in? There are a lot of homeless people who wander around near my office. Some of them spend their winter days in the library that is two blocks away. I’ve gone there for my lunch and seen a homeless man with a book in hand sleeping in a chair.
Today I was thinking about how the library can be a refuge of learning, creation and warmth.
Where do they go when the library closes? I’ve been thinking about that all day.
I just checked the weather and it’s currently -25.
Sure I live in Wisconsin and it’s January and it’s supposed to be cold but c’mon I think I’m allowed to whine about -25 right?
Today I was struggling to find something to write. Lately I’ve had these woe is me posts. There are times when it’s nice to receive a Meme because it can snap you out of your own writers funk. Instead of another… “poor me poor me” post I can be handed the outline of what to write and just write it.
Anyway, UU (He’s a birthday boy by the way so please pop over there today and wish him a Happy Birthday!!), tagged me for this one. Supposedly it’s because I’m so well read but one thing I’ve learned from blogging is that I’m not so well read. I’m just well read in certain circles. Around here I’m just another bibliophile but I love the company of other bibliophiles. I took some liberties with this and crossed out two for two different reasons.
In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged.
Hans Nouwens
Today it’s my oldest daughters 8th birthday.
Eight years ago today I set forth on the amazing journey that I like to call Mommydom. She is the most amazing of little girls and I’m so blessed. Because it’s her birthday I’m going to take a moment to gush over my beautiful daughter.
Not only is she beautiful with red hair and freckles but she’s kind. Last year her first grade teacher told me that she is the kindest first grader that she has ever met. My daughter is also very smart. Last year she would help her classmates who were struggling with how to spell a word or working on their math. I told her then that I knew that she was smart and that didn’t make me as proud as hearing how kind she was. She is in 2nd grade now and reads at least at a 5th grade level although she’s currently reading a book on Rosa Parks that is rated at 7th grade.
She’s also an amazing pianist. She started lessons early at the age of 5. She was the youngest that her piano teacher has ever taught. She has a natural ability to read music and know her notes that her teacher says is beyond that of some of her oldest students.
She is loving. She loves her little sisters so very much. Even though they are 6 years a part they play together and her little sister looks up to her. Her little sister wakes up first every morning and the first thing she will say is, “Sissy up?”. She reads books to her little sister, comforts her when she is crying (even when she’s in trouble she reassures her “Mommy still loves you”, even if her little sister is in trouble for pulling her own hair). She is sensitive and empathetic. I’m so proud of her and couldn’t be luckier in the Mommy department. She has been a blessing to me in so many ways, she has given me strength when I have needed it and she has taught me the true meaning of selfless love.
This morning the littlest munchkin and I woke up early and made muffins and woke up the birthday girl with a candle in a muffin. I sang “Happy Birthday” and the little one threw herself on the floor crying because I think she thought she wasn’t going to get a muffin. I guess I should have brought in two muffins. It was all rectified though when the girls went to the table to eat their muffins together. The little one in her best 20 month old way sang “Happy Birthday Sissy” to her sister over and over while they both ate their muffins.
Being a single Mom isn’t easy. No matter what you have going for you. I’m blessed though and I’m thankful for those blessings each and every day.
Lesson I Learned This Morning: If you put a candle in a warm muffin the wax will melt off the candle and into the warm muffin let the muffin cool before placing a birthday candle inside of it!
The stomach flu went through my daughters back to back and then proceeded to kick my ass today. I slept most of the day and now I’m still not feeling the best. I wrote to a friend saying,
“ It’s my turn to be sick. You know what sucks about being sick. Being sick and not having anyone to take care of you. Lying on the bathroom floor and thinking, “I could die right here and no one would miss me until tomorrow”. It sucks.”
On occasion I have no problems feeling sorry for myself. Especially when I have spent the entire day either in the bathroom or in bed. So here I am a little nauseous, a lot lonely (woe is me don’t you think) and I decided to do a “best of” post. I’ve never done one but I love when others do theirs. I love to find new blogs and to see what other people are writing.
The Post that Made Me Laugh The Most This Week: This honor goes to Allison over at That’s What She Blogged. She had started the day posting a picture of the most delectable layer cake which inspired me to post my picture of my partially eaten cheesecake. Later in the day she posted this picture which makes me laugh every time I see it.
The Blog that I happened to Find and I’m Glad That I Did: This goes to Dan over at Poetic Justice.
The Post that Mirrors Life: This one over at The Wild Pomegranate was a post had me nodding my head. I’ve been there. Those weeks where you just are not sure that you can deal with one more thing but then oddly enough you do.
Some things I read that Made me go Wow!:
Snake over at The Eclectic Garden.
Hips over at Views From Minnesota
How does she do that? : Winter Vignettes at Stop & Wander
Okay this has wore me out. I’ll return to my regularly scheduled feeling like complete crap. I gladly accept all sympathy that you want to toss my way and if someone wants to come and make me tea and rub my back it would be greatly appreciated!
